DEATH AND BEYOND

Souls and spirits
in the Old Testament

BE OF GOOD COMFORT

CHAPTER 1

They tell you to stop crying and keep busy; they point to someone they knew who had everything straightened up and sorted out almost immediately and then got on with life. This sets a kind of standard for grieving and, when your personal experience does not match up to this, you feel that you must be losing your mind, and where you once coped well, now you seem totally inadequate as the paralysing tears and heartache continue to well up from inside you.

They are tears for which there is no real sense of relief because, even when the tears stop, the loss is still there, the pain is still there, and maybe the questions are still there. Friends say, in a well-meaning way, that time heals, but this seems hurtful and insensitive. Others seem to feel that if the one you are mourning for was not your spouse, but your father or mother or friend, then your grief is somehow not necessary.

Most people find other people’s strong emotions hard to cope with; they do not know how to react, and feel uncomfortable when they are with you. They feel it is all right for you to be angry for a short time, or to sob uncontrollably in the early days, but the people who are most admired are those who appear to shed barely a tear, and get back to work or to their everyday activities very quickly. This is strange, considering that death is something that everyone has to face at some time, but it is a fact that friends do not know how to cope with another’s grief. It is harder for family members, as they too are struggling with their own grief and, even in families, no two people will grieve alike. Of course, it also reminds friends and family that death is very close to each one of us and that is hard to confront.

There are various stages of grieving and it is helpful to know the general pattern that can be expected.

• Initially there is shock, numbness and disbelief. A friend of ours told me she had to get everything sorted out quickly when she was not really feeling anything as she knew she would not cope sensibly later.
• Very quickly, feelings of utter loneliness, helplessness, bereavement, sorrow, grief and a deep sense of mourning follow in quick succession, sometimes individually and wistfully, with a strong sense of longing that cannot be satisfied. Sometimes all these emotions come together like an overwhelming flood.