DEATH AND BEYOND

CHAPTER 3

The funeral day is over, and suddenly almost all those who have been providing help and support have gone back to their own lives, back to their families and their homes. Nothing has changed for them The visitors, who called so often in the first few days, now only ring occasionally; you are alone and the house is echoing. It never used to seem so big. No more cards arrive, and the bunches of flowers in the vases are dead as well. The initial time of activity is over and, although there are still things to be done and sorted out, suddenly the numbness goes and the real pain of isolation and bereavement breaks on the heart. The waves of anguish seem to begin somewhere in the stomach and under the breastbone to the point of almost genuine pain. Between each, there is exhaustion and emptiness. It just seems that the only way to breathe to bring relief is take big gulps of air and to sigh or moan.

Motivation seems so hard to raise; yet there are jobs to be done. The house and garden have to be cared for. Maybe it is even harder for a man left alone?

The last moments are lived and relived. The kitchen calendar is read over and over again in an attempt to see if there was anything that could have been done to help, or any clues that you missed. Why did the ambulance take so long to come? Why did no one see the symptoms in time? Why did I not see what was developing? ‘Why? Why?’ ‘If only…’ There seems to be no escape from these questions and thoughts.

There are never any neat endings in life, and this is the time when the regrets and unresolved issues come to the fore to add to the already jumbled emotions. But in even the best of relationships there is never a right time for death to come. These same emotions come to everyone, and with them comes blame and recrimination. Sometimes we blame ourselves. Sometimes we blame the doctor. At other times we blame God Himself. Even death after a long illness brings the same pain.

Somewhere in your mind you know it was a relief and it had been expected for some weeks . But now it has happened the grief is deep. Family and friends do not know how to cope with your feelings, and you are left with your loneliness.

In these early days there are worries of many kinds—learning to handle finances, and having to cook and shop, and plan for the home. It is the wrong time to have to learn new tasks and role reversal is never easy. It feels unnatural and is a constant reminder of how well and how easily it was done in the past.

Which paper shop do the papers come from? Who will need paying? Where are the insurance papers? Where is the stopcock? Why did I not learn to drive?

“Oh, I must tell Bob about that …” “I must ask John where He put that …” But he is not here … Everywhere seems to remind you of the pain. Nellie told me that she kept trying to tell herself that the sorrow was hers alone, and not someone else’s so why should she burden other people? Nellie had a nervous breakdown from bottled-up grief.

[ Home ][ About Us ][ Lonely Questions ][ Contact Us ]