DEATH AND BEYOND

She had tried for the sake of the family and others to put a brave face on things, and to make it appear as if she were coping, but the pain of grief eventually caught up with her. Hilda did not let herself cry. She tried to keep things under control at least while there were things to do and until the funeral was over, but then she found that she could not cry. Twelve months later she has suddenly become an old lady, now an invalid, who has to be coaxed to eat. She has to drink supplements prescribed to her by the doctor to keep her going. The pain is stuck in her stomach and throat, and in her heart too, but has never come out as tears.

She can talk of Harry and what he used to do, but it is as if she is talking about someone completely unrelated to her. Another lady lost her teenage granddaughter and almost immediately after the funeral became agoraphobic, and could not bring herself to go out. She had dammed up the grief, and it was as if there were a road block on her life. Something had become distorted in her thinking, so the sadness showed in a way other than tears.

It is essential to let the tears come to wash the pain away at the time it surfaces, or it may show itself later in a different and longer-lasting way.

Other people, and sometimes this applies more to men who do not feel it right to weep, try to stifle the pain by finding another emotion to concentrate on.

For one it may be the exhilaration of hang-gliding. For another it may be climbing, attempting ever more dangerous ascents. Fear takes the place of grief but only for a while. The grief will try to surface as soon as there is a lull. The pain of grief that is pushed down or even denied will be a pain and a hurt that will not heal. At the slightest trigger that shows tears are close, go to a hidden place and let them flow. Recovery will be all the quicker.
Sometimes the grief waits until another unrelated loss, for instance loss of useful vision due to disease or the loss of a pet that was loved and almost human.

When this happens, there is a strong reaction of rage or a depression about the sight loss, when it is really the original bereavement that is coming to the surface after a delay and becoming mixed up with the reaction to the present frustrations and helplessness.

Tears and anger and worry combine to make each day difficult and stressful. Everything is confused and out of place. A jumble of jarring emotions make up the days They all seem to hit at the same time and seem like an overwhelming tide that cannot be stayed.

You have no energy and your mind does not seem able to plan clearly. One day you were a competent human being, but now your children and friends treat you as someone that knows nothing. Even their offers of help meant kindly enough, emphasise your inadequacy. This is when you wish the one you loved is with you again to talk to about it - but that space in your life of intimacy and sharing is empty. There is no one special for you any more ...

And so the tears begin again.

‘I cried unto the Lord by reason of my affliction, and He heard me.’
‘Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.’

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