DEATH AND BEYOND

CHAPTER 4

In the early days of bereavement, one of the biggest surprises is the change in your social status. Suddenly you are aware that all your friends are couples. They are kind but they do not really understand - they are not standing where you are standing. Invitations now mean that there are three of you, where once there were four. This makes social situations difficult. You sense their discomfort and are keenly aware of your own loneliness. It may be that the one who begins to mean the most and offers real, undemanding friendship is a widow or widower to whom you had previously hardly spoken. Gradually you begin to realise that the friends you once had are beginning to drift away. There are strange expectations of levels of grief and when our sorrowing or reactions do not match common expectations, people do not cope.

Every one of us copes differently but there are unspoken categories that those left behind are placed into. Some people think that those who cope best are the ones who get over it quickly, or keep a stiff upper lip. If someone is old, there is little understanding of their deep grief; people say that they had their time and their quality of life was diminished. After a bereavement of someone in their 60’s or 70’s, a few months of grief are acceptable to those around you, but then people start to say, ‘I thought he or she would have begun to have got over it by now.’ Adrian, in his 20’s, found very little support after his father committed suicide. When Liz lost twin babies at a few days old, there were just shy smiles and sideways looks. Still full and sore with milk, bruised from the birth and coping with all the hormone changes, she had just buried two little white coffins, one with a blue ribbon and the other with a pink one. Then someone said to her, ‘Never mind, you can always try again.’ Liz never had any more babies, and went to live with her mother after her husband also left her. She became a recluse and never regained the confidence to go out and begin to live again. The social aspects of grief are the unexpected sorrow and hurt that are not foreseen in loss.

Many people are embarrassed by bereavement, even though it happens to us all. They do not know what to say; you might cry and they would not know how to cope with that. Suddenly friends at the shops seem patronising, different or slightly distant. But then others come on the scene that truly understand. It is a temptation to use these people because they are such a good help. But try to recognise how much you talk to them about your loss; limit it to once a week perhaps.

At other times, talk about ordinary things. In this way you will keep the friendship. People living locally are not trained counsellors and, because they have their own difficulties in life, they are not able to give you support all the time everyday.

In your family there have been changes too. A son or daughter takes on a new role in your life. This can mean some difficult adjustments have to be made for them as well as for you. They can seem bossy or sharp, trying to control situations. Sometimes they want to take over decisions about the house, or about money or where you should live. If it is at all possible, do not make any sudden moves or decisions at the instigation of another family member.

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