DEATH AND BEYOND

another family member. These are often regretted later. They want to help but do not really know how.

It may be that, in your sorrow, you forgot that they have their own pain in losing a father or a mother, brother or sister; they probably will never be able to share this with you fully. They will go to someone of their own generation. Sometimes daughters or sons come near to breaking down after the death of a parent, and no one notices their loss of functioning or their odd behaviour.

Death is like a cruel kaleidoscope. Only one piece has been removed and one turn made, but the picture is different in every way, and will never be the same as early family memories again.

Marjorie was closer to her father than her mother. She had had long illnesses and chronic disabilities that would remain with her. Her father had been a tower of strength for her and lived near them. Now Pops was gone. He died after breakfast, just like that. She and her husband lived only two doors away and she was totally involved with the tragedy. She and her mother had little in common, and now Marjorie’s emotional support was gone. Even her husband could not give Marjorie what Pops had done. Her mother became very demanding with constant phone calls. Marjorie loved her husband, but he never seemed to say the right thing. Their relationship became strained, especially as her mother now began to call on her son-in-law for help several times a day. In this case one death changed the world for several people.

Sometimes brothers and sisters are close and have always been there for each other. For the one left, the adjustment is hard. When Sam lost his sister Pearl after nursing her with cancer, he was distraught. This is a bereavement that is not acknowledged by those around; grief for brothers or sisters is not expected to be so deep as when a spouse is lost. Sam was a very lonely and lost man.

One day Sharon put baby Jake out in the garden to sleep in his pram and only minutes later, when she was hanging out some washing, she tenderly peeped in the pram and found him - dead. For months she did not want to get up in the morning, Then she began to have a strange, unhealthy fascination with knives when she was washing up.

It was going back to work that helped. Not to her own job but to an undemanding routine job in the fresh air on a farm nearby. For her husband it was different. Tony was not a man to show grief and he could not cope with Sharon’s moods. He did not want her to keep talking about the details of little Jake’s death. Their marriage almost ended. They lost many friends over the bereavement too, as friends could not cope with the periods of questioning and self-recrimination that Sharon went through. All the visits left these friends drained and empty.

It may be that in your sorrow you are sharp with your family, for sometimes the loneliness and pain of grief come out in strong hasty, maybe nasty, words, rather than tears. People do not understand or try to listen. Friends, family and neighbours soon turn away, because they feel they cannot help and do not want to be spoken to sharply when they are trying to be understanding. At a time like this you need all the support you can get, so make an effort to try to realise what you are saying and the tone of voice in which it is said.

[ Home ][ About Us ][ Lonely Questions ][ Contact Us ]