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| This does not mean that you are going backwards; it is totally natural. It is good, at this time, to get out the letters and cards again and go through them, read the old diaries, and look at the photos that you value. Again the tears will flow freely, but each period of weeping is healthy and beneficial. In this way you are moving your sorrow on to another stage. |
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| ‘Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.’ |
CHAPTER 6 |
| One of the biggest hindrances to natural grieving is stopping the process at any time. You may be stopping oneself from crying or denying that the loss is real. |
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Maybe you chose not to disturb their room or move their clothes from their hangers. You wish to leave things just as they were when they left for the last time and not disturb the memory. Perhaps the room has been arranged as kind of museum with all their belongings and treasures on display.
It may be that you continue to set the table for them each day or do their washing just as if they were still at home or were expected at any time. |
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Maybe you simply follow the same routines that you both had, even though they do not fit with your present lifestyle. This is to deny that they have died and are not at home any more. It may be that, when you are altogether as a family, you continue to speak of the person as if they are still there with you, and you cannot say goodbye.
The popular teaching that their spirit lives on encourages this problem of believing that they are still with you, instead of being in a deep, very sound and sweet sleep. When you know and believe this from God’s Word, it is easier to say goodnight and goodbye, until the morning of the resurrection. This is why once headstones had the words ‘Rest in Peace’. It is painful to acknowledge that the one you loved so dearly has really gone from you. One person said to me in anguish, ‘No, do not ask me to say that, I can’t – well, not yet.’ Deep down, she knew the time would come when she would have to admit that Sean was not at home any more. But she was afraid that if and when she did say it, it would be the end for her too. She was afraid to reach that point in her thinking. It was too unsafe a hurdle to cross. She had developed cancer some time after his death but she had beaten it and she was sure she was doing all right, but already there were signs that it might be returning. |
If she were to make the admission of the permanence of his death, she feared secondaries could take over and she would be gone too. She has a little girl for whom she lives and feels responsible so she must retain the status quo. On the surface it seems to have worked out well for all the family and they have held together - but her grief has been arrested. This is not safe grief.
Another problem can be when you tell yourself constantly - ‘I’m fine, I’m doing OK,’ when compared with another person |
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