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who you know has been grieving. This is to deny the real pain. One day it will come and the breakthrough of the grief from the trigger of some shared memory could catch you unexpectedly and painfully.
Grief is not wrong. It is not harmful. Even for men. It is not good to compare yourself with others’ experiences. You are unique. The intensity of your love, pain, and your grief are all individual to you.
Sometimes people transfer the love they had for their husband or |
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| partner to someone else. One lady I knew had lost her dearly beloved Jim. Her interesting activities became a thing of the past with the Harry that had gone too , and she almost lost the will to live. Those helping her had arranged for a volunteer with a car to take her out and befriend her. He was half her age with a home of his own, but in her mind the volunteer who could have been as a nephew was replacing Jim, and she admitted that she thought she was falling in love. |
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This was not a true situation. She had not gone through her grief and was finding a way of suppressing it. When the ‘befriender’ was withdrawn and another offered to her, she withdrew from all social contact. Her grieving had been arrested.
It is possible that you talk to the person all the time, asking their advice, talking about what you have seen as if they were with you. These things often can and do happen at the beginning for a short time, but if they become a pattern of life that you cannot or do not want to break, maybe it is time to ask for help from your doctor.
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There are many difficulties that can arise if the process of grief does not move on. Physical illness and emotional exhaustion can develop and are hard to deal with. Relationships with other people can become difficult; relationships with carers, family, and friends can deteriorate. Marriages can break up after the death of a child. If the death is denied, a degree of callousness can develop instead of what was originally a stoical reaction to the situation. We live in a society of self-made people where self-reliant characteristics are valued. This makes grieving very hard and some turn to alcohol to deaden the pain, only compounding the difficulty.
How do you cope? Don’t be afraid of the pain or signs of weakness. Admit they are there. More than anything, keep talking about the one you have lost to ’safe’ and how you feel. Little snippets of talking very regularly will help greatly. As the memories are relived, the pain and the loss will inevitably surface. But have the courage to look at it squarely and, if necessary, allow yourself to wallow in the grief. Even if it has been hidden for some time, talking will help. Gradually the shoulders will drop and the hardness of the expression will soften.
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Try writing everything down to open the doors to your grief, and you will find that nature has a way of allowing the tears to come. It may be that you are afraid to let go, as you do not know what will happen.
You may be afraid of losing control and not be able to regain it. Or you know if you cry, your family become distressed. Will you lose your mind? No, the tears will stop by themselves once again. It may be that you will have to learn about the pattern ofthe waves of crying that come and to realise that, as they come, they will also go, but that you will feel better for it. Do not worry about what you will look like when you have been crying or that you might have a headache afterwards, your heart needs to feel the relief. Just wash out your eyes with an eye bath or small glass of plain warm water to take away the excess salt, then wash your face with plain warm water
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