DEATH AND BEYOND

wondering if the person was really dead? It is worth talking to your doctor about things like this. They will not laugh at you but will patiently go back over the circumstances again and listen to your fears. Having answers to the strange or morbid questions that come into your mind can be helpfully re-assuring. Fears that are not necessary for you to carry will be laid to rest to give you peace. You may have found that you have become afraid of the dark, but have never dared tell anyone. You can tell your doctor this too. It is not unusual, and will pass. Even just admitting these little things eases the tensions.

Pleasant and satisfying memories will gradually take the place of the morbid ones and these are the lasting reminiscences that you can share with friends and family around you.

‘Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted.’

CHAPTER 8

Recently, research done by men into bereavement has shown that most of the help offered in bereavement probably has women in mind. It may be that, if you have lost your wife or if you are a grieving father or son, you are finding that what is said as comfort and guidance does not match how you experience loss.

It is much easier for a woman to cry and to let go of her grief. Men are traditionally brought up not to cry or let go, and so they do not know what letting go would be like.

Will I crack up altogether? How will I get myself back together again? I must keep apologising if I do get choked up when talking to someone, for I feel I am doing something ‘wrong’.

When men talk to men about their loss, it is noticeable that it is not easy to identify which emotion is which. Is it anger or sorrow? Men can find it hard to look within themselves and analyse what is happening. Is it resentment at being left with tasks that were always done so easily by someone else? Now there seem to be roles that are totally uncomfortable and this leads to increased tiredness, stress and frustration which is hard to pinpoint. Often this is the case if husbands have left all the book-keeping, budgeting and banking to their wives. It is a common thing to give up trying, and then problems of self-neglect begin.

It is not always easy to share feelings with others, as the male mind rarely analyses feelings to be able to do this, and in fact often recoils from sharing the things that are deepest and mean most. It can result in being locked in a prison of conflicting emotions that are not understood or even recognised by others, leaving no way out.
It seems that the most natural thing to do in sorrow to try and go it alone. There is almost a programming to have to cope independently and, if the hurts are probed, a common response is aggression.
‘I’m doing fine’ is the response which brings the most
admiration. To admit the need for tears or be seen weeping is to lose face, to lose a position of power and importance in the household and the neighbourhood. It is not easy to climb back up to that position again once it has happened.
Women are used to talking and sharing with girlfriends, and so, in

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