DEATH AND BEYOND

grief, it comes more easily. For men and boys, this is uncommon. So, when faced with grief which has to be lived through, and is more natural when expressed, half the population do not know how to handle it. The sadness tends to be quieter and less visible. The desire to cry is pushed down and denied. But this leads to tiredness and lethargy.
Whereas women look backwards, and go over many little details and feelings, it is more usual for a man to resolve his grief with action and future planning. It is more physically and mentally practical.

The same stages of grieving, however, have to be passed through for each person and there is no way to side-step or avoid them. Grief always begins with numbness, with devastation, then yearning and searching, followed by a phase of disorganisation and confusion, gradual re-organisation and eventually a point where one can begin to move on. The time spent with each kind of grief is totally individual, and it must be whatever your own sadness needs. Looking at other ‘strong’ men may give the wrong messages. Inside they may be deeply hurting.

Depression and tension are increased and this can lead to alcohol- or substance-abuse to deaden the pain or give the impression of coping. Charles lost his wife and from her unexpected death until the funeral, he drank until all reality was blotted out.

When he sobered up, he and his family realised that he had permanently damaged his brain. He could not handle money, then lost his employment and his daughter had to take over his life almost totally for him. Unfortunately he also lost all inhibitions with other women and ended up in debts and many other troubles. The problem of drink continues to return and each time he dries out at a local clinic, he is a stage worse.

Grief is assisted by social interaction but in times of crisis, meaningful talking is very hard for most men and this was noted repeatedly in the research into case histories. Almost all men mentioned how hard it was to open their hearts to another person about their feelings. For someone who is totally in control of his life and plans for his life, strong grief comes as something unplanned.

It is unpredictable. There is frustration in not being able to ‘manage’ the grief and compartmentalise it, and also being unable to do anything practical to prevent it, in the same way as it had been impossible to do anything to prevent the death of the loved one.

A sense of failure tinges the grief with greater anger and other strong emotions. Guilt is often not far below the surface. Why was I not there? Why did I not see the danger? I just did not notice the symptoms until it was too late. The baby died – I did not know what to do, I’m to blame.

In the end the best answer is still to talk about your loss, if you can trust someone well enough. Bringing all the elements into the open and try risking the feelings of vulnerability and loss of control. C. S. Lewis wrote a book called ‘A Grief Observed’ after he lost his beloved and cherished wife. It helped him to cope and live through the initial period of grieving and loneliness.

You may not be able to write a book, but a diary is a good way of letting things go. It would be good to read His book too.

Above all, remember that Jesus was a man. He wept at the death of Lazarus. This is a comfort, for it shows that He knows what grief is. When He says, ‘Come unto Me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden,’ He knows your particular burden of loneliness and loss. Jesus, the High Priest we have

[ Home ][ About Us ][ Lonely Questions ][ Contact Us ]